nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
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saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.