This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
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Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.