I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
🌱🌱🌱
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY