A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!