If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
You Might Also Like
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up