The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
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My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Matt Goss
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Dear Lord..
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone