Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
You Might Also Like
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
how to market bottled water to dads
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?