*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.