I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
That stupid look on my face, is my face
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.