WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
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Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
everyone’s a critic
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what