“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
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[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination