Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
You Might Also Like
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Lmao 🤣
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]