[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
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A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.