Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
584.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”