Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
#damn
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.