“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
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A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.