A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
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I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed