Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!