nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.