Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
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My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?