Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”