My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Look at this
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Things will get butter, keep churning
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Nice try, NASA
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire