I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.