I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go