ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.