My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
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“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before