[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
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If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.