One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
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Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?