obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
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[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Baking is just science you can eat.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}