You Might Also Like
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
#ParentingFacts
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
do u think theres a butter planet?