There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
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Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Most fashion shows these days…
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?