COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
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I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I triple waxed for this?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?