I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro