DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
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If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.