me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
HOW DARE YOU
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Catercrombie & Fish
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.