Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
smh
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know