I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I think we should hear other voices.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!