When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
You Might Also Like
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Driving in Europe vs Canada
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”