[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Great acting.. 😂
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.