Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.