My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
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‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Haha good job!!
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
mom gave me mine for free
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile