I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
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ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]