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airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
what my late-night hot pocket sees
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.