Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Banana is the quietest snack
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Time for evil
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My wedding will be open casket.
sistine chapel
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen