I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that