I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again