The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film