“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”