Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing