Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
These work great until they don’t.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works